How feeling 'vulnerable' helped climber Lor Sabourin explore their identity
The feeling of total vulnerability is something that would prevent most from trying rock climbing, but for Lor Sabourin, it's what they love most about the sport.
Being so far out of their comfort zone, tackling a route that requires both mental and physical fortitude, provides Sabourin with an opportunity to reflect and work through the challenges in their life.
In many ways, it's much more than just a sport for them -- it's a way of exploring identity which has helped them accept who they are.
"I think it's really hard to hide from the stress of climbing. When you go out, you're really choosing to be vulnerable," Sabourin tells CNN Sport.
"You don't have to do that everywhere else in life.
"People are able to really find out how they do best when they're in stress and to learn better ways to respond to stress and to things like fear and insecurity."
Sabourin has recently released a film with Patagonia that explores their life as a non-binary climber, following Sabourin as they take on one of the hardest routes of their life in the sandstone canyons of northern Arizona.
It provided Sabourin with a chance to speak about their journey and address what it means for them to be a trans climber in 2021.
In tackling some dark periods of their life -- including battles with eating disorders, self-harm and sexual assault -- the film "They/Them" shows how Sabourin has learned to thrive in the climbing community.
"Making the film was hard in a lot of ways because, so often when we go through something hard and then come out on the other side, we want to just pretend that that didn't happen," they added.
"So I really had to go back to parts of my story that maybe I didn't talk about with people in my life very often.
"And that was at first really challenging, but over time, it actually became really healing."
'All consuming'
Despite always loving the outdoor lifestyle, even when growing up in the urban area of Detroit, Sabourin was a self-confessed "super-scared kid."
It may seem improbable now when you see photos of them hanging off the side of a rock face, but there was a time when they were too scared to use the three-meter slide at their local swimming pool.
In truth, climbing wasn't something that came naturally, but sport always played a major role in their upbringing.
They were a strong runner throughout their education but finally fell into climbing as a way of combining competition with their love of the outdoors.
"[Climbing] is very all-consuming," Sabourin said. "Running, for example, it's like your mind can go anywhere and you can still run quite quickly.
"And that's one of my favorite things about running is having a place where I can just let my mind go, and climbing isn't really that way.
"When you're climbing, you have to have 100% of your attention on what you're doing. And that's really therapeutic in its own way."
Dealing with hate
The sport now plays a major role in their life and they balance it with their studies to become a therapist.
However, as their profile within the sport becomes more well-known, Sabourin has had to deal with online hate and microaggressions from within the community, such as people reacting angrily about using different pronouns.
In the film, they describe how they were subject to online abuse after an interview with climbing magazine "Rock and Ice" was published.
There are also times in normal life where Sabourin feels less safe than their non-trans friends.
"I guess that's really challenging, especially having a background of experiencing pretty extreme violence at a young age for my identity," they said.
"With the film, it definitely brings up that fear. I am putting myself out there in a really public way, and so it's definitely opening up to the potential for more of that to happen.
"But [...] in all of those interactions, people didn't take the time to get to know me.
"What I feel is really powerful about the film [...] is you kind of have to stay with me long enough to learn that I'm a human just like anyone else and that being trans is one aspect.
"Something that I really love about myself is my identity, but it actually is a fairly small aspect of my identity in the grand scheme of things."
Becoming a role model
The process of making the film was an intimate affair, with Sabourin often being joined just by co-director and friend Blake McCord. They didn't want the film to make generalizations about the trans experience, but instead share their own unique story in a humanistic way.
Sabourin is aware that they may become the face for the wider community as a result.
At a time when trans people are facing scrutiny in both the sporting arena and in wider society, Sabourin says climbing has an opportunity to create a more inclusive framework that other sports can follow.
"I think it could be simpler than people believe," they said. "They get so hung up in the political debates and the legislation.
"If we look at the value of sports to people, as humans, and the reasons that we participate and we strip it down back to that human aspect, it's a lot simpler than we think it is."
Sabourin says the thought of being a role model feels similar to tackling climbing projects -- intimidating, but also inspiring -- and admits the thought of people looking up to them has made them become more honest in their personal life.
The American has struggled with eating disorders since they were seven or eight years old and wants to trigger conversations about how it can affect both athletes and the trans community.
Now in recovery, Sabourin has learned to adopt a healthier relationship with food and exercise and has realized the destructive ways in which they were using food to manage their transition.
"I've tried my best to be a combination of holding myself really accountable and being really firm with myself about taking steps every day, but also give myself some levity around it and not always feel like I'm beating my head against the wall," Sabourin said.
"I want people to have a role model that's someone who takes care of themselves, who lives a life that they think is meaningful.
"I also personally want to be a person who has those things for myself."
感觉“脆弱”如何帮助登山者 Lor Sabourin 探索他们的身份
完全脆弱的感觉会阻止大多数人尝试攀岩，但对于 Lor Sabourin 来说，这是他们最喜欢这项运动的地方。
远离他们的舒适区，走一条需要精神和身体坚韧的路线，为 Sabourin 提供了一个机会来反思和应对他们生活中的挑战。
在许多方面，对他们来说，这不仅仅是一项运动——这是一种探索身份的方式，帮助他们接受自己的身份。
“我认为很难躲避攀登的压力。当你外出时，你真的选择变得脆弱，”Sabourin 告诉 CNN Sport。
“你不必在生活的其他任何地方都这样做。
“人们能够真正了解他们在压力下如何表现得最好，并学习更好的方法来应对压力以及恐惧和不安全感等事情。”
Sabourin 最近与 Patagonia 合作发布了一部影片，探讨了他们作为非二元登山者的生活，跟随 Sabourin 在亚利桑那州北部的砂岩峡谷中进行了人生中最艰难的路线之一。
它让 Sabourin 有机会谈论他们的旅程，并说明他们在 2021 年成为一名跨性别登山者意味着什么。
在解决他们生活中的一些黑暗时期——包括与饮食失调、自残和性侵犯的斗争——电影“他们/他们”展示了 Sabourin 如何学会在攀岩社区中茁壮成长。
“制作这部电影在很多方面都很困难，因为当我们经历一些艰难的事情然后从另一边出来时，我们只想假装这没有发生，”他们补充道。
“所以我真的不得不回到我的故事中，也许我没有经常和我生活中的人谈论过的部分。
“一开始这真的很有挑战性，但随着时间的推移，它实际上变得非常治愈。”
'全部消耗'
尽管一直热爱户外生活方式，即使在底特律市区长大，Sabourin 也是一个自称“超级害怕的孩子”。
现在，当您看到他们悬挂在岩壁一侧的照片时，这似乎不太可能，但曾经有一段时间，他们害怕使用当地游泳池的三米滑梯。
事实上，攀岩并不是天生的，但运动在他们的成长过程中一直扮演着重要的角色。
他们在整个教育过程中都是一名强壮的跑步者，但最终陷入了将竞争与对户外活动的热爱相结合的攀岩中。
“[攀登] 非常耗费精力，”Sabourin 说。 “例如，跑步就像你的思想可以去任何地方，你仍然可以跑得很快。
“关于跑步，我最喜欢的事情之一就是拥有一个可以让我的思绪放飞的地方，而攀岩并非如此。
“当你在攀登时，你必须将 100% 的注意力集中在你正在做的事情上。这本身就是一种治疗方式。”
处理仇恨
这项运动现在在他们的生活中扮演着重要的角色，他们在学习与学习之间取得平衡，成为一名治疗师。
然而，随着他们在这项运动中的知名度越来越高，Sabourin 不得不应对来自社区内部的网络仇恨和微攻击，例如人们对使用不同的代词做出愤怒的反应。
在影片中，他们描述了在接受攀岩杂志“Rock and Ice”的采访后，他们如何在网上受到辱骂。
在正常生活中，也有一些时候 Sabourin 觉得比他们的非跨性别朋友更不安全。
他们说：“我想这真的很有挑战性，尤其是在我年轻时经历过相当极端暴力的背景。”
“对于这部电影，它肯定会带来这种恐惧。我以一种真正公开的方式将自己放在那里，因此它肯定会为更多发生这种事情的可能性敞开大门。
“但是 [...] 在所有这些互动中，人们并没有花时间了解我。
“我觉得这部电影真正强大的地方 [...] 是你必须和我在一起足够长的时间才能知道我和其他人一样是一个人，而变性是一方面。
“我真正喜欢自己的一点是我的身份，但实际上这只是我的身份在宏伟计划中的一个很小的方面。”
成为榜样
制作这部电影的过程是一件亲密的事情，萨布林经常只有联合导演和朋友布莱克·麦考德（Blake McCord）加入。他们不希望电影对跨性别体验进行概括，而是以人性化的方式分享他们自己独特的故事。
Sabourin 意识到他们可能因此成为更广泛社区的面孔。
在跨性别者在体育领域和更广泛的社会都面临审查的时候，Sabourin 说攀岩有机会创造一个其他运动可以效仿的更具包容性的框架。
“我认为这可能比人们想象的要简单，”他们说。 “他们对政治辩论和立法如此着迷。
“如果我们看看体育对人的价值，作为人，以及我们参与的原因，我们将其分解回人性方面，这比我们想象的要简单得多。”
Sabourin 说，成为榜样的想法感觉类似于处理攀岩项目——令人生畏，但也鼓舞人心——并承认人们尊敬他们的想法使他们在个人生活中变得更加诚实。
这位美国人从七八岁起就一直在与饮食失调作斗争，并希望引发关于它如何影响运动员和跨性别社区的对话。
现在正在康复中，Sabourin 学会了与食物和运动建立更健康的关系，并意识到他们使用食物来管理过渡的破坏性方式。
“我已经尽我最大的努力让自己真正对自己负责，并且对自己每天采取的步骤非常坚定，但也给自己一些轻率的感觉，而不是总是觉得我在用头撞墙，”萨布林说。
“我希望人们有一个榜样，一个能照顾好自己的人，过着他们认为有意义的生活。
“我个人也想成为一个拥有这些东西的人。”
