Holidays are most exhausting for moms. Here's how to address that
(CNN)The internal ticker tape starts around two weeks before Thanksgiving. That's when moms and other caregivers, though mostly moms, turn over a portion of their brains to the long and constantly evolving holiday to-do list. Groceries; invitations; Google best potatoes for mashing; Great Aunt Shirley's lactose intolerance; presents list; holiday decorations; Google best potatoes for latke frying; more invitations; more groceries; find tablecloth; purchase larger dress clothes for kids; and so on and so on.
The earthly miracles of this season, those indulgent, candlelit meals, neatly dressed families, and piles of glossy-wrapped presents, are done by mortals. Very tired mortals, many of whom would prefer to do a lot less miracle making, and a lot more miracle receiving.
The Better Life Lab, a program of the think tank New America that aims to elevate the value of care and advance gender equity, wants to help. The Better Life Lab team has created a series of accessible and easily implementable experiments to help distribute the emotional and domestic labor of the holiday seasons more fairly between partners and families.
One experiment encourages families to think about which traditions really matter to them, and which create more stress than meaning. Another encourages families to make gift purchasing and gathering, as they refer to it, a group project.
CNN spoke with Better Life Lab Director Brigid Schulte and Co-director Haley Swenson about why lessening Mom's load needs to be a family-wide endeavor, and how the whole family can benefit from a more equitable distribution of holiday-related work.
This interview has been lightly edited and condensed for clarity.
CNN: Let's start by stating the problem. How much more domestic and invisible labor, (i.e. the planning, organizing and internal ticker-taping), do women do?
Haley Swenson: The unfair division of labor between women and men when it comes to unpaid labor remains, despite women's advances in the workforce. In non-holiday periods, mothers do two to three times as much as fathers, and the holiday season is a moment that really exacerbates that imbalance. Polling on it, as well as ethnographic research, shows that it's mostly Mom who manages holidays.
Brigid Schulte: There is a longstanding tradition that women not only come home to the second shift of housework and childcare, but they are also expected to do what we call "the third shift" of creating the holiday magic. Let me tell you, as a parent, the "magic" is the hardest. When my son was 13, I asked him what he wanted for Christmas and he said, "Mom, I love it when you surprise me, just create the magic." And I thought, "Noooo, just tell me what you want! So I can get it!"
This pressure can make the day really awful for the person who is planning it all. Look at stress that happens over the holidays, and depression. It's really untenable for women. The holidays are magic for everyone except Mom.
CNN: Many of your experiments encourage moms to bring their family together and talk about what they value in holiday festivities. Why is this such an important first step?
Swenson: So many of our experiments involve taking something that is in one person's head and getting it out in the open where it becomes something you can engage with as a group. That's the biggest step to sharing this work evenly.
When we are so busy it's easy to just think of the list of things you have to get through, and then you own it. But if you took the hour to sit down with the family and name that list, and not only name that list but say, "What are we going for? What do we want the holidays to look like?" you can set realistic expectations.
Schulte: The central question in these conversations should be: How do you want to feel? And that means everybody. When the family is together discussing the holiday, the mom gets to say that she wants to enjoy the day, and that she doesn't want to be the stressed-out person yelling at everybody.
Moms should think about their expectations of what they think the holidays should look like and consider where they come from. Are they yours, or are you trying to live up to external expectations to be the ideal worker, the ideal mother and Martha Stewart, at once?
Once you have that North Star of what you want the day to look like and how you want to feel during it, then you can ask: What is the work that needs to be done to create it? And how do we want to divide that fairly?
CNN: How can this work for gifts, too?
Swenson: Our experiment on gift giving also makes it a social process. Giving and receiving gifts can be very nice, when it's personal. But when the expectation to buy gifts all falls on mom, we can lose the nicer parts and it becomes hurried and a chore.
Think in advance how to make gifts a meaningful group activity. Try to include kids and educate them about the process. Together, think about who we want to show love for through gifts.
It can also be a nice opportunity to talk about why we give gifts, quantity versus quality, and get the kids thinking about what it means to get and give a gift. The conversation can also be about the importance of setting reasonable budgets for gift-buying, and what is a reasonable amount to spend on a gift, and how long it takes for parents or caregivers to earn that money.
Schulte: Families can experiment together. When our kids were little we said we would give each other gifts of time -- little coupons. My son said he would play Barbies with my daughter, who was thrilled out of her mind to have time with her big brother. Two years ago, my son didn't get me a gift but said he would go out to lunch with me. Now, I had to pay, but to get a teenage boy to go out to lunch with you is a big deal.
CNN: How do we stop these family-planning sessions from being one more thing mom has to worry about?
Schulte: This is a challenge, and why we involve the entire family and build awareness of all the labor moms do in all of our experiments.
Swenson: Also, we try to design our experiments to get away from the idea of "mom-in-chief" as quickly as possible. Our most passionate users do tend to be women because the people who are most invested in fixing a problem are the ones who are suffering the most from it.
We hope to change patterns, and the experiments allow for training of husbands and kids as much as they allow for planning and taking care of the nuts and bolts of one holiday. If one's family hasn't heard about the labor before, this is a chance to hear it out loud and think about why and how we are doing this.
CNN: Why is it so important to include the kids, and not just husbands or partners?
Schulte: When you look at the research, you see that the division of labor between genders starts early. Girls tend to do more of the daily time-intensive tasks like sweeping or doing dishes, and boys tend to do once-a-week chores like mowing the lawn or raking the leaves. These gendered divisions can get baked in from the start, which is why it's so important to include kids in these conversations and have them take on a variety of tasks. Also, research shows that, when kids are involved with chores, it creates a sense of belonging and feeling part of something greater than themselves. It lets them know that they are on "Team Family."
对于妈妈们来说，假期是最累的。这是解决这个问题的方法
（美国有线电视新闻网）内部自动收报机在感恩节前两周左右开始。那时，妈妈们和其他看护人（虽然主要是妈妈们）将他们的一部分大脑转移到冗长且不断变化的假期待办事项清单上。杂货;邀请函；谷歌最好的土豆泥；雪莉姨妈的乳糖不耐症；礼物清单；节日装饰品；谷歌最好的土豆煎炸土豆；更多邀请；更多的杂货；找到桌布；为孩子们购买更大的礼服；等等等等。
这个季节的人间奇迹，那些放纵的烛光晚餐，衣着整洁的家庭，以及成堆的光滑包装的礼物，都是凡人完成的。非常疲倦的凡人，他们中的许多人宁愿少做奇迹，多接受奇迹。
Better Life Lab 是智库 New America 的一项计划，旨在提升护理的价值和促进性别平等，希望提供帮助。 Better Life Lab 团队创建了一系列易于访问且易于实施的实验，以帮助在伴侣和家庭之间更公平地分配节日期间的情感和家务劳动。
一项实验鼓励家庭思考哪些传统对他们来说真正重要，哪些传统造成的压力大于意义。另一个鼓励家庭购买和收集礼物，正如他们所说，这是一个集体项目。
CNN 与 Better Life Lab 主任 Brigid Schulte 和联合主任 Haley Swenson 进行了交谈，讨论了为什么减轻妈妈的负担需要成为全家人的努力，以及整个家庭如何从与假期相关的工作的更公平分配中受益。
为清楚起见，本次采访经过轻微编辑和浓缩。
CNN：让我们先说明问题。女性还有多少家务劳动和隐形劳动（即计划、组织和内部自动收报）？
Haley Swenson：尽管女性在劳动力方面取得了进步，但在无偿劳动方面，男女之间的不公平分工仍然存在。在非假期期间，母亲的工作量是父亲的两到三倍，而假期正是加剧这种不平衡的时刻。对其进行的民意调查以及人种学研究表明，管理假期的主要是妈妈。
Brigid Schulte：长期以来的传统是，女性回家后不仅要承担家务和照顾孩子的第二个轮班，而且还被期望做我们所谓的创造假期魔法的“第三个班次”。让我告诉你，作为父母，“魔法”是最难的。我儿子 13 岁的时候，我问他圣诞节想要什么，他说：“妈妈，我喜欢你给我带来的惊喜，创造奇迹吧。”我想，“不，告诉我你想要什么！这样我就能得到它！”
对于计划这一切的人来说，这种压力会使这一天变得非常糟糕。看看假期中发生的压力和抑郁。对女人来说真的是受不了了。除了妈妈，假期对每个人来说都是神奇的。
CNN：您的许多实验都鼓励妈妈们将家人团聚在一起，谈论他们在节日庆祝活动中的价值。为什么这是如此重要的第一步？
斯文森：我们的许多实验都涉及将一个人的头脑中的某些东西公开出来，在那里它成为你可以作为一个群体参与的东西。这是均匀分享这项工作的最大步骤。
当我们如此忙碌时，很容易想到你必须完成的事情清单，然后你就拥有了它。但是，如果你花一个小时和家人坐下来，列出这份清单，不仅要列出清单，还要说：“我们要做什么？我们希望假期是什么样的？”您可以设定切合实际的期望。
舒尔特：这些对话的核心问题应该是：你想要什么感觉？这意味着每个人。当一家人聚在一起讨论假期时，妈妈会说她想享受这一天，而且她不想成为压力山大、对每个人大喊大叫的人。
妈妈们应该考虑他们对假期应该是什么样子的期望，并考虑他们来自哪里。他们是你的，还是你试图不辜负外界的期望，同时成为理想的工人、理想的母亲和玛莎·斯图尔特？
一旦你知道了你想要的一天是什么样子的北极星，以及你想要的感觉，那么你可以问：创造它需要做哪些工作？我们如何公平地分配它？
CNN：这也适用于礼物吗？
斯文森：我们关于送礼的实验也使它成为一个社会过程。如果是个人的礼物，赠送和接受礼物会非常好。但是当买礼物的期望都落在妈妈身上时，我们可能会失去更好的部分，变得匆忙和一件苦差事。
提前考虑如何使礼物成为有意义的集体活动。尝试让孩子们参与进来，并教育他们了解这个过程。一起思考我们想通过礼物向谁表达爱意。
这也可以是一个很好的机会来讨论我们为什么送礼物、数量与质量，让孩子们思考获得和赠送礼物意味着什么。对话还可以是为购买礼物设定合理预算的重要性，购买礼物的合理金额是多少，以及父母或看护人需要多长时间才能赚到这笔钱。
舒尔特：家庭可以一起试验。当我们的孩子还小的时候，我们说我们会给彼此时间礼物——小券。我儿子说他会和我女儿一起玩芭比娃娃，女儿很高兴能有时间和她的大哥在一起。两年前，我儿子没有给我送礼物，但说他会和我一起出去吃午饭。现在，我不得不付钱，但让一个十几岁的男孩和你出去吃午饭是件大事。
CNN：我们如何阻止这些计划生育会议成为妈妈必须担心的另一件事？
舒尔特：这是一个挑战，也是为什么我们要让整个家庭参与进来，并在我们所有的实验中培养对妈妈所做的所有劳动的认识。
斯文森：此外，我们尝试设计我们的实验，以尽快摆脱“妈妈”的想法。我们最热情的用户确实往往是女性，因为在解决问题上投入最多的人是受苦最深的人。
我们希望改变模式，实验允许对丈夫和孩子的训练，就像他们允许计划和照顾一个假期的细节一样。如果一个人的家人以前没有听说过这项劳动，这是一个大声听出来并思考我们为什么以及如何这样做的机会。
CNN：为什么包括孩子而不只是丈夫或伴侣如此重要？
舒尔特：当您查看研究时，您会发现性别之间的分工很早就开始了。女孩倾向于做更多的日常时间密集型任务，比如扫地或洗碗，而男孩倾向于每周做一次家务，比如修剪草坪或耙树叶。这些性别划分可能从一开始就根深蒂固，这就是为什么让孩子参与这些对话并让他们承担各种任务如此重要的原因。此外，研究表明，当孩子们参与家务时，它会产生一种归属感，并感觉自己是比自己更重要的事物的一部分。它让他们知道他们在“团队家庭”中。
